The older we get the more we know and the less we want to waste our precious time on relationships that are on the decline, and starting to go downhill.
We should accept that all relationships have a “honeymoon phase” where the newness, fun, excitement and anticipation, along with the passion it brings, are just about as good as it gets.
Always, eventually, reality kicks in. We can end up looking into the face of someone we thought we had come to know turning out to be just another “human” like everyone else. But, rather than throw in the towel and aacept the inevitable post-honeymoon phase, we should embrace it and turn it into a positive.
As you start to make progress in your dating development, set yourself some rules. Draw boundaries with yourself based on what you have learned from past mistakes. Don’t cross these boundaries.
Here are a few warning signs to heed when you have moved on into the reality phase of your dating relationship.
Gut Feeling. Always keep an open mind about what your instincts tell you. Use your intuition in whatever someone says or does. The feeling you get inside – that it’s “not right” – is a warning sign. It’s there for a reason. A little honest self-reflection may reveal that every time you ignored your intuition in the past it led to disappointment.
Are there excuses, apologies, being found-out? Last-minute let-downs? More than one occurance should make your eyebrows twitch with unsettled thoughts. At first you’ll make excuses to yourself and try not to doubt the other person. If it becomes regular – around 3 or 4 times, then it’s not even worth further investigation – get the hell out of there and run for the hills. If there are contradictions in what he or she says compared to what they do, if something seems to be missing in what they are telling you about their background, family, job, or life in general it’s a warning sign not to be ignored.
When someone goes missing – last minute cancellations – their best trick is pulling off a disappearing act. Unanswered phone calls, failure to show for dates and sudden obligations that make them unavailable – these are signs that something is not right. They will always be able to talk you round and apologise their way out of it, but unless that apology is backed up with evident change, the pattern will probably continue.
The Blame Game. Whenever someone talks too often about how they were always the victim, and too often vocalise criticism of others, discussion of past relationships that end up in the belief that it was all the other persons fault, and multiple past failed relationships are part of their history, you can bet that something is wrong. This is a sign that he or she is incapable of change – because we have to know we have the problem to recognise we are the problem. It’s a sign that they are stuck. Your presence in their life is not likely to change them. You will probably end up as the next person they talk about, and all the blame will be on you. Don’t be a part in their game. However, always consider that a certain amount of moaning, blaming and talking about ex’s is inevitable, but as time goes on this should stop. If not, get out while you can.
Under Pressure? How does your partner react when they are under pressure? The inability to control your emotions, and exude aggressive traits is a relationship-destroying character. Observe how they react under pressure. How well do they cope when things don’t go as they planned? If you observe a complete emotional breakdown, angry outbursts or a childish responses, it may be a sign of a deeper problem that began well before you came on the scene. If any of that aggression gets aimed at you, leave now, or risk become a statistic on the Domestic Violence register.
Most relationships endure a few ups and downs, but if your emotions are being rocked from pleasing to hair-tugging extremes, then ask yourself – is this the sort of relationship I want? Many people believe that the “love” they have for this person will conquer all, and that the fear of being on your own again is too much to risk. If the relationship is in its early stages then the feeling of emotional extreme will only get worse. You’re better off out of it – no question – before it’s too late.
Remember that self awareness removes roadblocks to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Heeding this advice can result in making better choices. You are in control – take the right action as soon as you see the signs.
|Don't tell lies - Francis - Geek-love founder.|